HR responses rejecting my application. A hypothetical response I always intended to send.

Dear Kathy,

I was shocked by your apology yesterday. You had sent me an email about how you were sorry and had decided to pursue other candidates for the janitorial engineer position. I am horrifed not by the rejection, but by how sad you had felt on hearing such a disheartening news-that a stranger who lives in a remote corner of the world with possible sociopathic inclinations could be rejected. I stood up after reading this letter, and started to cry. I have never cried in my life before, not even when I could not find my nail cutter. I am yet to understand how you could come to terms with the harsh terms of rejection offered to me, you poor thing.

I hope you have the support of your loving family and that with time, you will eventually be able to move on. My sincere thanks, as sincere as yours, for the faith you place in my abilities to wish me luck in my future endeavors. I am truly blessed for such noble people amidst; you have shown me that there is reward for faith in these testing times. I am sure I would have plenty of luck in my next opportunity, because of the very fact that you have wished it.

ps: In the absence of tears now,I am sending a bit of my blood sample to show you how much I care. I took the liberty to look up your address from your office directory. god bless.

there was an email from mathworks for some seminar i had registered for. The next day, i received an email thanking me for that. A response.

Dear priya at mathworks,

I am so glad by your heartfelt gesture to sincerely send me an email about how you appreciate my appreciation of your appreciative services, and I really appreciate this. I have to say, I have been getting up every single day in the hope of seeing an email from mathworks and their pious irreverence in thanking people for using their products. In fact, I just took a snapshot of the mail, and I have framed it on my wall just so that i get up every morning to see this mail that has made my life worth living.

However, in the last few days, I had registered for a lot of seminars, but I had got but one email only. I was depressed to the point that I had to seek psychiatric counsel and a prescription of anti-depressants to get through this tough phase of my life. I am still seeing nightmares of not seeing your mails. I would even tell my girl friend that I was more interested in making love to this email than to her. I had abandoned my life's goal of doing something meaningful when I realized that I would not be getting any more mails. I am sitting here, kneeling before the mathworks website, and pleading for the site to have mercy upon this poor soul, and send the thank you emails that I truly deserve.

Once again, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, liver, pancreas, small intestine...

I have used an american name, because Indian Hr's don't bother sending emails, as I found out the hard way.

Cheers.