தீபாவளி வாழ்த்துக்கள்.

Disclaimer: This post contains some anti-breeding talk. If you don't like that and are likely to be judgemental or, if you do like it but would point out factual inaccuracies, kindly sod off.

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My cousin sister recently gave birth to a very healthy baby boy, and he is currently the talk of the entire north arcot family tree. Apparently, he is more than just a handful, and it takes the collective effort of my sister and her parents and her parents in law, and everyone in the south madras area to make him sit tight for a few minutes. I have to admit, I am baffled. completely. Why do people have kids? Some people blame karma. I blame bad contraception techniques. Or, bad plans. Or, very poor judgement of one's own intellectual, emotional, and mental abilities, which would be naturally transmitted to the offspring. For all that gas about going against what is natural to human beings, I think some would agree with me. Its a pain on the resources of the parents, the society, the state, the country and the nation and the world.(yes, yes, the universe too, don't get too smart with me)

Alternatively, the point is, some day, the earth would explode(inevitably). red giant and all that, so at that point of time, procreation is not going to help, is it? So, the next time somebody wants to have a baby, tell them about the red giant/super nova concept unless you find some way to escape the disaster(not the dmk being elected again, the other red giant)

#Never, tell other people that your child is a handful, and that he/she is a little rascal. We know that, we have seen your good self and your wife, and we are aware of your managerial skills.

#Test tubes work these days. Doesn't mean they are good parents. Parenting is an art, not engineering. Every other idiot should not become one.

#karma. Partly, maybe(based on empirical understanding of the concept). But, you are solely responsible for your own disaster. You wanted to have fun, you pay the price now.

#We should have some IQ and EQ tests before people even mate, and sign and initial these forms(this idea is from a friend of mine). You know, just so that they are aware of the implications of the levels of intelligence of their son/daughter/both and are made aware that this is what they are imposing on the society.

#If you tell me that your child is going through bad times, I will hit you on the head with a shaft, and brand those words on your head because, you were clearly aware of the best solutions for bad times.

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I decided to go for a long trip one day. So, I visited mylapore(went by train, to deliberately lengthen it) to say hi to kabaali, a good friend. He is alright, was a little upset that all the women folk were paying more attention to his wife karpagam, what with the navaraathri season and all that. He was cool with it though, he was trying to play down his problem as trivial. I was talking to him about my situation, and he joked about including my story for his upcoming thiruvilayadal version 2.0(I think he was being serious). I am pretty sure kabaali was excited when I was leaving. It was as if something of a exciting story had unfolded in the form of my narrative in front of his eyes, and I think I saw him grind his palms together in nambiar fashion.

When you start having imaginary conversations, you understand that its time for therapy.

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As the most traumatic and clinically depressing stage of life is taking its toll on me, I decided either to go to the movies or try anti-depressants. Thinking that some of my aunts might be disturbed by my open admission(and how much they would hate me for such puns), I went to see endhiran with a very good friend. Some comments are in order, in addition to the obnoxious fawning about rajni and the existing hyperbole on the net; I am going to make very few observations.

#aishwarya rai's makeup is the universal constant, in raavan and endhiran. at any given place and time, it defies normalcy.

#a little attention to detail would tell us that,in the movie, pastries is not properly spelt(what is past tense for spell?) in one scene. It is written as pasteries.(i know, my life sucks)

#Contrary to my own belief system to write out everything as rubbish and overcoming my irresistible urge to criticize and comment on almost everything under the sky, I must say, I liked the movie-some witty dialogues helped the cause(who is this chellaatha?).
#The instrumental pudiya manidha score towards the end credits was really nice.

#of course, thalaivar is awesome(my bit to the fawning).

"நெஞ்சத்துள்ளோர் பொறாமை எனும்தீ நீள்வதால் உள்ள நெக்குருகிப் போய் மஞ்சன் ஆண்மை மறம் திண்மை மானம் வன்மை யாவும் மறந்தனன் ஆகி பஞ்சையாம் ஒரு பெண்மகள் போலும் பாலர் போலும் பரிதவிப்பானாய்..."-mahakavi, on duryodhana's jealousy towards pandavas.(from this week's thuglaq)

Journal of a varumayin niram sigappu graduate

no, just another unemployed person's mindless ranting.

"so, gautham, why have you come back?"

catch-22's for now:

# I want to read papers to learn about the news in parts of the world, but news item scares me with all the talk of global recession and nonsense, so i don't want to read papers.

# i don't have experience because i don't have a job, and i don't have a job because i don't have experience. wow, huh?

Imagine my consternation when people asked me to write and explain things that I had no idea about; or that which I read hundreds of years ago, when there were only dial up connections in this world, the pre-facebook era. The person sitting in front of me was asking me questions about 2-dof systems, and there i was, in a different land where anna kournikova and michelle pfeiffer had magically transformed my elementary dynamics knowledge into their own selves in picture format. As it is, education has completely escaped my mind to be replaced by all four seasons of blackadder and the first two of the thin blue line.

Do you know something about boundary elements?

No.

So, what do you think they are? any guesses?

Are you deaf? or mad?

Interestingly, there is a 'no breeding' alarm going on in my mind these days, becoming stronger with every passing day. All we have to do is look at ourselves in the mirror everyday, and ask 'is perpetuating something like this meaningful?' I am not sure if its because of my brain playing games with me or its par for the course at this age for any fellow with weird ideas due to reading a lot of tragic nonsense. I happened to watch chandni bar, in which madhur bhandarkar seamlessly extrapolates a person's life tragedy to more tragedy to a point when the people in the theater go out to buy extra strength cyanide pills. Movies, for me, are a way to relax, not to think about the woes in the world. I would do that sitting in my house. Also, don't read orhan pamuk, or barry unsworth. They were the reasons why god created the word 'suicide'.

I am going to admit to doing something that I would never would have done otherwise, if it hadn't been for my friend's father's persuasion. I actually lit a 'nei dheepam' in a temple! Before you all jump to conclusions and picture me in a garb with a pattai and sandhanam all over my body, parading myself semi-naked in a temple chanting some slokas while thinking about how hot the floor is, let me assure you, it was a chance happening. You would not believe it, and I am a strong advocate of skepticism, so I would ask you all not to believe it. Anyway, the lamp, the wick, and the ghee. I learnt three things:

# skepticism has no place inside a temple. If you are a skeptic, don't go inside one.

# Lighting the lamp is embarassing but even more embarassing is being told by a very sweet lady to dip the wick in the ghee and light it again for better combustible property-I felt like an idiot, six and a half years of engineering education and I didn't know this.

# Now, I had half a mind to abandon the temple visit, in view of my increasing mental instability, but it felt nice-NOT the temple, but the trip to the temple. The chennai-bangalore highway is very impressive. (for some people's information, this is the govindha wadi temple in agaram, near kanchipuram, dedicated to lord dakshina moorthy, someone who has abandoned me ever since i started learning my alphabets and got hit on the head mistaking hindi for english. that's where it all started. *sigh*)

Strong warning: Anyone who is going to call me religious, from now on, will be made to sit with me for one full day while I explain the pros and cons of playing rail road tycoon on hard level difficulty, and then start dissecting the stories of mahanadi, million dollar baby, chandni bar, and the likes in the order of increasing mental agony.

To all those who think I am a temple hopping, medieval, traditional freak, let me tell you this-I go to temples that are old, and not crowded; old things always fascinate me(don't let your imagination run wild). They seem to have some charm that is absent in anything that is referred to as 'modern'. Yes, I am a bit of a bore, with a yearning for the good old days when transistor was a device used to listen to cricket commentary and apples were eaten, but I am not averse to technology assisting us. I think there needs to be moderation in anything.(perhaps ogling doesn't need any). also, i may have pontificated enough, so, i will stop imposing my views on one and all.

So, temples, for the sake of preserving my past, and cherishing its beauty and probably, vicariously living my peaceful past self...

Anyway, Madras is beautiful these days. Its becoming increasingly beautiful, and with the advent of monsoon she will be wrapped in all her finest glory(setting aside potholed roads and cholera for a second). So much for absurd imagery and metaphors, screw it, the place looks good during rains. Please don't be offended by my use of the word 'she' here, its a little tacky, but 'it' feels too...itty.(insert some stupid smiley here, and for god's sake boys, don't add a t to the word)

Cheers, and see you all in the next post!

Why Life must listen to us.

For the most part of it, life, currently is unintelligible, because it is unintelligible, and I also wanted to use this particular word. I had no idea what it meant, and since I have looked it up on a online dictionary, I find that it is perfectly okay to use this word here. Life is also very aimlessly prowling around the streets of ambattur in search of taj mahal, knowing very well that its in Agra. Life is also making me come up with obnoxious imageries and metaphors, stupid comparisons that would reduce the size of an average adult by half. Nearly half a year of unemployment has damaged most of my brain and all of my sanity, I kindly request you all to discard your logical part of the brain like you would when you go watch a vijay movie. or a hindi movie. or any movie they make these days.

When life does things like this, it is only nice to blame life for everything. Life is bad, and it deserves a good spanking, it has been very naughty(okay, we are drifting). So, Life must learn to behave properly. In order that life behaves, I have come up with a list of things that life should do:

1. Make coffee every time I want coffee. In general, life must understand my tastes, and my aversion to too much sugar. So, if life is listening, I like my coffee strong. very strong, like a wrestler. preferably, female wrestler. but with grace. not with the muscles showing. okay, i am drifting off again.

2. Listen to me every time I want something to happen, and make it happen. So, when I say I want to be in california, I need tickets to california. I dont know how life will do it, but life should do it. after all, that's what all lives are for, ask any software engineer. Some tell me they have very good lives that listen to them, unfortunately mechanical engineers' lives don't listen to them-they are very arrogant lives, i suppose(No, I don't want to go to california. Not to switzerland either. Yes, I am not lying my posterior off).

3. Life must know that I would like to be happy at times. It is important for life to do this, because it should know that some other lives are happy, and my life alone cannot be miserable. My life can suck, given two conditions:

everyone on the planet is miserable, and doomed.

everyone on the planet is doomed, and miserable.

In addition, life must teach me proper punctuation at times, and not include the stupid oxford comma. Life should learn to be sadistic/masochistic like me.

4. Life must teach me to stop telling things by bullets and numbering, and get out and live life. Life must, in addition to all this, buy me a playstation 3 and an iphone, so that I may lead a mediocre life of a ordinary human being professional who has his eyeballs glued to some screen, with the occasional visits to hawaii for vacations.

5. Life must provide me with enough crap to upload on facebook and twitter and irritate the living 'four letter expletive' out of other people. My post, should be other peoples' laxative.

6. Life must also provide me opportunities for ogling. enough opportunities. if possible, all the time. Any time. 24*7. Okay, this one is top priority.

7. It would be nice if life helps me something other people have in their lives-life. something meaningful, like a job or something. back to madness again. see you all in the next post then.

P.s:shameless networking idea: any possible contacts/people you might know who can help me build me my network and get a job, let me know via email-sgauthamkrishna@gmail.com

if you have plans to come to India and if I know you on back-slapping terms(not the butt) get me a snickers candy bar. cheers. :)