June 2010

The most important part of my life right now, is being disturbed in my sleep by something as tiny as a nail. It is usually creepy to see it, and it goes under the scientific name "bedbuggia fockinirritatica". This particular species is doing what wives give to husbands when they are in a foul mood-sleepless nights. I am told they are not present anywhere else in the house, other than the occasional visit to some other room. I am a permanent host, because I seem to have the blood that tastes like palak paneer to them. I also found that they are safer than mosquitoes-they do not transmit any form of communicable disease, but they can do the one thing that can put you in the vicious of tempers-wake you up.

I am sure my friends would endorse my statement here-I dont like to wake up sleeping people. This is based on a very solid scientific background-my amma once told me, that I would be born as a lizard if I wake up someone who is sleeping heavily. If this does not deter you from doing it, what will? Already a pig this birth, now a lizard in my next? I must have asked god for animal magnetism, and he must have taken a perverse sense of my request. 

Its normally, abnormally hot in columbus every year if you talk to the local people. 'Its so much hotter than last year!'. Yes, last year, it was 35 C. This year, it is, well, 35.5 C. Some human beings are very sensitive to temperature change, like algae or something. They thrive only in the ambient. Anything beyond 30 C is unbearable, and anything less than -5 C is the coldest winter ever. The minute it starts being sunny, the clothes come off, the bikini is out, and spring is at its full naked glory...Well, not completely naked of course. Maybe I was shocked by this last year, but this year, its very boring. I am really tired of bikinis, cleavage, and anything that usually excites a man's mind. It definitely does not mean i am becoming homosexual, it only means, i am too tired of seeing the same damn thing...

I usually run along the olentangy trail right by the river whose name is, you guessed it right-olentangy! Its a good 5 mile jog, and when i say jog, i mean hop on at a very very slow pace. I am really ashamed when i say pace, because walking is not really pace, is it? I saw a very frail grandma, who was flying past me. And another one, and another. I was a little miffed and i was giving myself reasons-they all eat meat, they have a healthy lifestyle to compensate for my inability to progress, and also to shadow myself from my own shortcomings. ah, such is life.

I continue to surprise myself: I had cereals with two teaspoons of milk and 500 ml of water. This is amazing, not because of poverty but because of laziness. The inability to move the rear part of my body to the nearest store(which is a half hour walk or a half hour bus ride). The minute i open the fridge, my heart starts to thump wildly, hoping to see milk sufficient for my consumption, screw the roommates. Before I am awake, someone else has the same hopes, and the other roommates, (yes, myself too) are screwed. Ah, such is life.

I sleep for 14.5 hours everyday. I cannot stand reality, so I am trying to live the dream. In the dream itself. I have always been one for not compromising on sleep. Even with the most difficult of exams, I could not bring myself up to bring myself up early. It is how i have conditioned myself, and that is how i will be, even if it means sacrificing so many 'good' things in the future. *ahem*

I have started to make plans, every other day, for every other day, and on every other day, i notice that i have not done a single bloody thing that i had originally intended to do the previous day. So, on the lists these days, i make it a point to write 'execute' after the items. No, that is not having an effect either. It is just a fun way to analyze the probability of my success rate. (till now, 13 days, 0% success for executing the plan)

I wanted to catch up with engineering basics, so i went to the library for the first two days after my graduation. I managed to successfully walk all the way to the library, sit on a comfortable couch, and sleep after staring at a painful equation for 10 minutes. I even took papers for taking down notes, and I still have those invisible notes. I only need to decipher the way to read those things.

I cook. like a cook. Wow, I mean, I rule. I can make chakkara pongal without even looking at the recipe. In the kitchen, I am suddenly a renewed America that has Obama, a black no-military service(and now, no recollection of his promises) ex-lawyer at the helm. My culinary skills are only matched by my extraordinary skill to fall asleep at any given point of time, almost all the time.

I find people amusing these days, their talk about submitting papers, getting a job and all that. It is even more hilarious when they ask you what you have been upto. My favorite is usually that I have been spying their house for possible incriminating documents for their connection with KGB. I even like the one where in you tell them that you have started talking with the dead. Apparently, I scare the crap out of people by running random nonsense and tell them they are facts-did you know that  an increase in the sex ratio would cause an increase in the same magnitude of the density of mangrove forests? This serves as a very good tag line for action against female infanticide too, as long as these people support global warming. (prevention against tsunami, get it? *chuckle*)

ஆசை முகம், மறந்துபோச்சே,இதை ஆரிடம்  சொல்வேனடி தோழி?
நேசம் மறக்கவில்லை நெஞ்சம், எனிற்  நினைவு முகம் மறக்கலாமோ?
கண்ணில் தெரியுதொரு தோற்றம், அதில் கண்ண னழகு முழுதில்லை
நன்னு முகவடிவு காணில் அந்த நல்ல மலர்ச் சிரிப்பை காணோம்!
ஒய்வு மொழிதலுமில் லாமல் அவன் உறவை நினைத்திருக்கும் உள்ளம்;
வாயு முரைப்பதுண்டு கண்டாய் அந்த மாயன் புகழ் இனிஎப்  போதும்.
கண்கள் புரிந்து விட்ட பாவம் உயிர்க் கண்ண னுருமறக்க லாச்சு;
பெண்க ளினத்திலிது போலே, ஒரு பேதையை முன்புகண்ட துண்டோ?
தேனை மறந்திருக்கும் வண்டும், ஒளிச் சிறப்பை மறந்து விட்ட பூவும்,
வானை மறந்திருக்கும் பயிரும் இந்த வைய முழுதுமில்லை தோழி!
கண்ணன் முகமறந்து போனால், இந்த கண்கள் இருந்துபய னுண்டோ?
வண்ண படமுமில்லை கண்டாய், இனி வாழும் வழிஎன்னடி தோழி?

autobiographical compound woes...(a very old entry, publishing after a really long time!)

"It sometimes happens, even in the best of families, that a baby is born.  This is not necessarily cause for alarm.  The important thing is to keep your wits about you and borrow some money. "

at about the time when kim jung was trying out something with his nuclear arsenal with destruction and madness in his mind, i was born, a warm december afternoon, in a hospital in madras, with people scaring me with their big eyes, big hands, big faces and their big dreams and big expectations of me. somehow, i overcame the first obstacle. I managed to breathe. Till this day, some people who are faced with dire poverty, or who live under extremely hostile environments of bombs would agree with me, that this was the biggest mistake ever.

#1 do not blame anything or anyone for what you are right now. you are a victim of your own actions, and if you cannot take responsibility, too bad. there are people who have to live through nightmares everyday, your life is not exactly like helen keller or suu kyi like.

if people do not believe that mathematics is simple, it is because they do not understand how complicated life is...john von neumann

the next few years are a blur. i can hardly remember a single thing. i must have done some idiotic things, which, thankfully have not been retained in my memory, which is an extraordinary feat-my mind is capable of remembering all the useless, tiring and painful memories, and discarding the good ones.

and then diana died, pokemon released and created a frenzy in 1997, when i was drowning in my own inability failing to take stock of my poor mathematical ability, plummeting to the lower rungs of the scary grade list. what does this tell us? comparison takes us nowhere. and it took me there in no time, when i couldnt look my friend in the eye, because my performance was dismal and he was looking like a  max planck or galileo. with passing time,my math skills became as unpredictable as dhoni, and in the end, it crashed finally over a span of two years,slowly, steadily.and that is when they decided to have the board exams.

 #2 stop that incessant worrying. nobody cares. not even you would care in a few years from now.

"some persons are very decisive when it comes to avoiding decisions..."

i had to make a decision-if you sucked at mathematics, had no talent for arts, were capable of documenting everything, you had to be an engineer, after being dumbed down by an unbelievable crass method of rote learning in your high school.(squarely blaming tamil nadu for my inability to understand partial differentials.)

but no, a decision was difficult because i was young. so, my parents did the right thing, put me in a school indifferent to its pupils,(better than the previous one though), and the vice versa.

 #3 sometimes you have to take tough decisions. maybe they might not work out, but that doesn't mean you should give up on it completely.

"what is the difference between a banker and a large pizza? a large pizza can feed a family of four"

somehow, i managed to go through the engineering drudgery, and survived. and then, i made a decision- to quit a perfectly good job in a very decent company, probably in design, going on to design better things; to go to america, without support, in a market that was squirming and choking at the hands of bankers, to the midwest, where the manufacturing sector had completely died a inglorious death.

#4 you make mistakes in your life all the time. move on, its not worth brooding over it. live it, and make peace with yourself.


"all the things one has forgotten scream for help in dreams"
and now what?where are going with all this? i keep thinking about the next crash in the stock market, or the time when unemployment is going to cross the triple or the four digit mark.(i think it already has...). my research is routine. so just how many people come up with breakthrough research every other day?  we always think of life in purely binary terms. its much more fuzzy than that, in that it has states in between these too(two, pardon the pun)! i was amazed when i was listening to the song "ithu oru ponmaalai pozhudhu" yesterday. i was translated to a land where the song's meaning was everything i could see. 
வான மகள் நானுகிறாள், வேறு உடை, பூணுகிறாள்...
ஒரு நாள் உலகம் நீதி பெரும், திரு நாள் நிகழும் சேதி தரும்...
ஆயிரம் நிறங்கள் ஜாலமிடும், ராத்திரி வாசலில் கோலமிடும்....


#5 all we care about in life are too much to handle, when the simple things that we can handle and cherish, we dont care at all!


(p.s:i admit without a trace of shame-i stole all quotes from the net.)

 2010 april

certain questions you should never ask a graduate student, who has recently graduated.

1. are you looking for jobs?

no, i am looking to settle down next to a dumpster and eat the stray bits of smelly cat food, live in winter shelters to protect myself, and smell like four hundred pigsties that havent been cleaned in four hundred days.

2. the market is looking bad for entry level grads, isnt it?

 your careless sympathy makes me feel like a bird who has just been crapped on by a plane full of people. thanks anyway. now that you put it that way, i see it clearly, what i didnt see when i was applying every single day, pulling  every single hair out of every single body part.

3, what after this?

sod off you sick disgusting mangy revolting nauseous flatulent *fill in*.

what happens to you is not your fault. No, what happens is your fault, but you are at complete liberty to blame it on other people; make sure you come up with pretty damned good excuses, or you just might be made to hang upside down in a pile of horse manure, hence people would ask you to physically do what is  metaphorically intended-rot in your own pile of steaming s***.

if you are uptight, depressed, worried, anxious, and are not able to see the future clearly, it means you have a severe case of *uptight depressed sick complains all the time bi***itis*. make sure you wake up everyday and go to sleep immediately. anything you may think may have serious consequences. When the thinking stops, everything is bliss. 

all is well. (holy f***, how can i say such things.). when people want to ask favours of me, they say 'if you are free, can you help me with this?'. from now on, i will carry a sledge hammer, and wear a t-shirt that says that i am unemployed and free the whole bloody day. some one who fails to notice this, and tries to be polite will visit the 72 virgins that god had intended him to have after his life.

i also think of how some of my friends are getting married, or getting bikes and cars, or how they have managed to be happy *censored*. i am being consistently reminded of how women dont look for looks, but only for the size of wallets. so these days, i manage to stuff my wallet with every other conceivable piece of nonsense just so it looks big.

some of my best mates have turned mentors, with my best interests at heart. they want me to seriously look for jobs. now, where were these people when i was ogling at that hour glass chick during the college days? why didnt they ask me to pursue that seriously? ok, she was way out of my league, but some support? some encouraging words, like 'she would look at you like she would look at a snail', or 'you have as much chance as mandira bedi has of being topless on the extra innings'.

what is so cold(cool) about that?

the literary definition of cool, is lacking in warmth, something that promotes cold. i can understand the consternation about the definition itself. cool is being cold? hot is what? being hot? or the lack of cold? much worse is the current usage of the phrase: that's cool.sorry, its technically a sentence, it makes complete sense,so it is not a phrase to begin with. all the english sticklers, please bear with me. what exactly do they mean by: "that's cool, buddy". 

person 1:i did not bring your notebook, i will get it tomorrow.

person 2:that's cool, man.

what is cool? the notebook? or are we talking about tomorrow's weather? why is it that an unabashedly irrelevant statement has become the fad?

person 2:he just slept with her, and never called her back.

person 1: that is so uncool.

uncle? did you say uncle? what kind of a planet has this become? why is it uncle when you sleep with someone and never call them back? because aunts take offense? 

let's rephrase: that is so aunty...that is so maami...(in my language)

you are such a cool dude. why, did you measure his body temperature with a non contact thermometer? 

it has become worse, that you can no longer use the word cold it was originally meant for. i saw a bus on my way, it was very crowded. but i was shaking because of the cold. i casually remarked to the person standing next to me:

it is so cool, isn't it?

he said: yeah man, never seen a bus this full! like, totally awesome.

i was stunned by this answer. i am still fuming at this inconceivable piece of twisted wit that he threw upon me. he turned my meaningful words into his choice meanings, and i was left at the mercy of his meaning;suddenly, it was his conversation. i wanted to swallow my tongue. i was frothing, that i would have actually spat at him had i told him that mine was a remark about the weather, not about the bloody bus or the bloody crowd.

***********************************

a bus stand is the worst place where you want to be in sever cold/wind chills more than 5. i was fully covered from my head to toe, hardly anything visible but my eyes(faintly), and the person next to me notes this pehnomenal observation, one that is brilliant to the core:

"its cold, isnt it?"

normally, i am by nature not a vindictive person. i usually do not get strong urges to rip people's throat out. but sometimes, it is only human that you react to intellectually profound statements like these. Its cold. so, when the display board says that its 11 degrees below zero, the person next to me has suddenly discovered that it is cold. in the long history of human evolution, of the many ages that we have passed through, the many winters that have gone by, this person, has finally found it. he has now solved one of the 10 unsolved problems of the world. he has found the answer. he has made me see light. light hearted banter, my frozen right butt. 

thankfully a bus arrives. people see a halo behind my head, because of my enlightenment. i am divine now, and i have a frost bite in the small toe.

***********************************

i was in one of the bluest of funks, so, to gather some cheer, i wanted to read some newspapers for hope. sample this:

more job losses on the way. 

unemployment rate steady, not likely to fall

obama cuts tax breaks for outsourcing companies

all hell breaks loose in USA, mid west, ohio, columbus, 43201, worthington, narrowing down...

so now, i am a shining ball of radiant sunlight, cheerfully strolling through the gates of hell to meet lucifer. The great depression, they called it. that is what i was going through as i finished reading the papers. anyway, too many people have told me that i would find a job, which is the exact precondition for getting a job. The more number of people you meet, the more you get a chance to whine about your woes, and the more sympathy in the form of "you will get a job", and the more your chances...So, i am sure almost 94 % of mid western population knows that i am unemployed, so i am now bloody sure that i would get a job. I have people's sympathies, isn't that  the only thing you need, other than a strong resume and some mental grit?

when people are being supportive, be cautious. they might want something; it is simply impossible to have people sympathize without wanting something. it is like being approached by the sexiest girl who wants to talk to you-you would know, wouldn't you, that there is something deeply wrong about the setting? i mean, its you, and a attractive girl. anyone around you would have done the math. almost everybody is waiting for you to respond-are you going to blush uncontrollably and make stupid gargoyle noises, or are you going to ask her what she wants? (what if she says, "i want you to kiss me passionately?" sorry, i am not doing anything these days, so my perversion levels are high).

happy birthday, indian republic.

பிறந்த நாள் வாழ்த்துக்கள்  gops.

பிறந்த நாள் வாழ்த்துக்கள் அம்மா  :)

i had completely forgotten republic day. also, gopal's birthday. also, my mother's birthday. also, the fact that i have to live and sometimes be happy. happy birthday to all those who will be celebrating birthdays sometime after this day. If you want a birthday present, celebrate birthdays on the same day:present tense. that is all the garbage i can come up with for this post. see you all next time, have a fun filled(ok, i take that back) time till then!

சென்றதினி மீளாது மூடரே!நீர்
எப்போதும் சென்றதையே சிந்தை செய்து
கொன்றழிக்கும் கவலையெனும் குழியில் வீழ்ந்து
குமையாதீர்!சென்றதனைக் குறித்தல் வேண்டாம்.
இன்றுபுதி தாய்ப்பிறந்தோம் என்று நீவிர்
எண்ண மதைத் திண்ணமுற இசைத்துக் கொண்டு
தின்றுவிளை யாடியின்புற் றிருந்து வாழ்வீர்;
தீமையெலாம் அழிந்துபோம்,திரும்பி வாரா.

அனைவருக்கும் என் பொங்கல் வாழ்துக்கள்.

i was asked what i did for pongal. i would like to ask them, what have i ever done for any of the festivals, that they would expect some kind of a sane answer from me for this question. the next time someone asks me, i am going to give them totally irrelevant or nauseous answers. so, what did you do?:

#i was cleaning toilets all day, and in the morning, it failed to flush.

#i wanted to find inner peace, and i am going to do penance sitting inside a dumpster.

#i was flying high in the USS enterprise in the KC42342DD cluster that i failed to see what the earthlings were up to.

#blood, i am covered in blood. somebody help me, i killed my roommates. aaaaaaaaahhhhh...

#i am going to fly to the moon and come back, can you please hold the line when i do that?

#i have a early meeting with the president of the naked ladies society.

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i am torn apart. i am in great pain over the great loss that seems to be happening to me. I was so appalled by myself, that i wanted to tear off my arm as soon as i did it: i said "go fast", instead of "go fast". I assure you, i have not gone mad. simply put, my allegiances seemed to have changed, and have swung in favor of the western hemisphere, the american english. i no longer am comfortable saying "karma". i have to say, "kaarma". i am very humiliated at reporting this, but i will still tell you this: i said calsium, and i say aluminum these days. all those in my country, who are scornful of this, who are now shaking their heads in agony at this betrayal, should know that my loyalties are always with the queen's english. I am very conscious of the "aah" sound instead of the "aeh". fast, should be fast. it should never be fast. forgive me, my fellow men, i bow down in shame, and i deserve nothing less than a hearing with the council of big pretentious englishman's-english- sycophants. I should say this in defense: it was just the one time, the emotional duress was overpowering, and i had to do it. I cannot say that this is a justifying argument, but that i am only human, and i have to surrender to my weakness at times.

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too many times have we wandered down the path when we question ourselves about the purposelessness of the lives that we live. we seek solutions, and more importantly, happiness. but what is happiness? is it the fulfillment of our desires, to be successful? to accomplish something? to help others? i would like to twist the definition of happiness a little: its a brand new ipod nano with 8 gig memory, with video recording capabilities, and a radio tuner. it is probably the most beautiful thing on the planet, right after some of the best derrière shows, right before "the dark knight". its so slim, that you can hardly feel it, but once you get to see her, you cannot but fall in love, and understand that every other philosophy is absolute nonsense. advaita is not our final goal. the ipod touch is.

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shaking my head, i shrug off the snow deposits on my coat, as i take it off, it amazes me to notice how warm it is inside the hallways and rooms. heating concepts are simply amazing. i am sitting here, a comfortable 23 C, and just 20 cm away from me, a window separates me from an atmosphere not quite suitable for even polar bears. think about it, the temperature difference is more than 25 C!! Engineering is beauty personified. Though these days engineering has been reduced to a status of being science's witch(read with b); we cannot do anything but humbly and bashfully accept the dictates of science.

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என்ன வரங்கள்,பெருமைகள்,வெற்றிகள்,
எத்தனை மேன்மைகளோ!
தன்னை வென்றாலவை யாவும் பெறுவது
சத்திய மாகுமென்றே
முன்னை முனிவர் உரைத்த மறைப் பொருள்
முற்றுமுணர்ந்த பின்னும்
தன்னை வென்றாளும் திறமை பெறாதிங்கு
தாழ்வுற்று நிற்போமோ?

"This is my December, these are my snow covered trees..."

#either of these two things is happening: i am getting old, or i am starting to grow an aversion to movies(vide avatar) with lots of bullets and crazy animal noises. i have come to understand that the third secret alternative-both of these happening, is what is really happening.

#at some point of time in life, we all spend our time lying around, writing about the wretched existence that we lead, about the futility of everything around, about how the happiness of the millions gets on our nerves, about why we should probably be sent to mars...

# there are stages in people's lives: we grow up, we live, we die, we live, we die, we live, we die, we live...

#there are times in our life when we will be happy. but the most stupid part is, we will not realise that. No, like idiots we go around thinking, "good, its just another day". if only somebody could yell- "this is one of those days, you moron, you better do the best of it".

#when you are running at 6 miles an hour, and the girl on the next treadmill is running at 9 miles an hour for more than an hour, what does that mean? does it mean that you are getting old, or you are fat and plumpy, or both of these?(oh my god. worst fears)

#peace on earth appears to be continually evasive. let's all do something about this: shut up when we want to talk about how someone else is a pain, and think of one's own ideological flaws.

#there are other things beyond the mundane existence in this world-super man(not mundane), obi won(not in this world) to name a few. So, unless you are either one of these(or like these), just get a move on and clean that toilet, or you are in one big stink.

#இன்னிக்கு செத்தா நாளைக்கு பால். நாளைக்கு செத்தா, நாளானைக்கு பால்.இதுதான் வாழ்கை தத்துவம்...

#be calm. but not too calm, or that rattlesnake in front of you might just kill you. react, but don't over do it. we are people, not robots; it is imperative that we respond normally to the environment around us. unless you have adrenalin deficiency, or severe brain damage. worse, you could be a monk, or an ascetic.(comment in jest, not to be taken too seriously)

#if you are young enough, chase skirts and drink beer. if you are young, go after your dreams. at some point, we will grow up, and we would not even know that!

#i have to borrow gopal's tag line for the denouement: be happy, that's the bottom line. (thanks gops.)

life and times of an(a?) entry level resume

dear sir,

i know not who you are. but you seem to be observing me with the same concentration as you would when you are in a urinal, staring at the flush knob. but you have to concentrate more than this when you do that, or you might end up wetting your front. that is not admirable, for someone so high up in the corporate playground, is it? 

i know you wouldn't give two seconds for me, and your trash can would listen to my profile, and learn about my projects and my experiences. but its unfortunate that the corporate culture relegates trash cans to not take decisions, but only...collect trash. from the minute you receive me via email to the minute you send that automated email to reject me, it takes what? two minutes? i am so glad that i could get that time. also, why am  i always ending up in your spam folder? is that a regular detour to the inbox? but i am not selling Viagra, all i am trying to do is sell a poor cow, desperate to find a job. some might call that skilled work prostitution. but i call it, symbiosis.

thanks anyway, dear spam folder, for listening to my woes. wait, you cant talk back, or you would sympathize too. 


most often than not, you will be surprised that i am not a bag of lies or an account of exaggeration, concealing a desire to make ridiculous amounts of money. but, how would i know the value of money, a 60 gsm paper is all i need. but these living things called people, they always seem to want more-more money, more cars, more children, more misery, more pain, more hardwork...how do i know this, you ask me. i am one of the reasons why they have what they have. 
but we are digressing. i was thanking you for the time you allot for me. and my many brothers. or sisters. it really doesnt matter, we are not too concerned about sex unlike you, with all your hormones, abnormalities and prejudices about race, religion, sexual orientation and political affiliations! the last one is my favorite. how can you ever be so foolishly blinded inasmuch you start to believe politicians!


i am often told that i do not meet the requirement criteria-match with the required skill set.if you want a fully customisable engineer to perfectly match your requirements, you can order one in one of the universities, and tell them to create prototypes just in case he does not perform well enough. in case you haven't noticed, an entry level engineer does not technically have anything called skills. he is naive. and clueless. but his mind is fertile. as soon as he starts to type me, i make him understand that he has nothing to market himself with. i try to teach him that he has to learn more and be different than others. but isnt that what he is? isnt that what he would do?

but why do you ask people to even submit me, and my many many brothers? i wouldn't be surprised, if some day, we would all join forces and plot and scheme to throw you out. you are probably thinking, this is an empty threat. but sir, think again. i am sure, you would have noticed, its only because someone noticed your good friend, one of our brothers-your resume, that you are now here.

but not for long, and that is how they play the game sir...

10 observations for the month

1. the bus does not come when you keep looking at your watch, rice does not cook when you keep staring at the microwave, plates do not clean themselves by looking at the kitchen sink, problems do not get solved by sitting idle and whiling away your time.

2. the most sought after thing is opinion, but never trust opinions. "this movie is awesome" equals the movie blows, sucks, and i paid the terrible price of sitting through it on top of shelling out money, you have to too. "the movie blows" equals its for high brows who think it falls on them to make this place a better world by watching such movies.

3.money comes and goes, they say. it does not come, but yes it does go. so why do they say, it comes and goes? because it comes for all other people, goes for you.

corollary: you will get money, when you need it the least.

corollary to corollary: you will get those things that you dont want, but never get the ones that you need badly.

4. the winter winds are always early, severe, biting and 'this winter is always much more severe than the previous one.

5. problems are always easy in the classroom. its only the exams, they assume the form of  "top 10 mathematical problems that have perplexed the greatest minds of the planet". solutions are always wrong, but when a professor gets it wrong, it doesnt mean he is wrong. it means, there is more than one solution to the problem.

6. everything goes right until the professor steps into the lab. he is the initiator of the domino effect, the chaos theory. and he is the butterfly which causes that hurricane, but he is also the hurricane.

7. not all the people in the planet are entitled to luxuries. not all people are entitled to live a peaceful and a prosperous life.  not all people are entitled to lead a decent life. not all people are entitled to a two-room dwelling in a poor suburb. a 10*4 box in a slum in mumbai. space in the kolkata railway station. you see where i am going with this?

8. appetite is inversely proportional to the amount of money you have. if you are poor, chances are, you eat like a hungry hog, gobbling up anything that comes your way,run around for money. more money means, you are likely to eat slim, stay slim and run around for 'feeling good' .

9. the universe is a strange place, but the college is not. there are those noisy undergrads, noisy parties, noisy neighbors, noisy libraries, noisy lounges, noisy gymnasiums, and you, with that noisy brain.

10. the most important thing in life, is not success, not satisfaction, not peace. its only a little smile on your face, the only crease that is acceptable at large in public, the only sign of acknowledging that everything that is happening is just one big joke, and a very simple solution to life's complicated and unanswerable questions.

reflex

observation 1:

irritating jerk. 

by this, i do not mean the clumsy friend, who tries to get on your nerves inspite of himself. no, i am talking about the physics of the human body. just when you are about to cross the road, the mind plays a very clever game-the car is a good 75 metres away, and at the speed of 40km/hour, roughly 11 m/s, you assume that you have 7 seconds to cross the road. you dont exactly do the math standing in the middle of the road, or you would end up on the non-existent cow-catcher of the car, wondering why that happened when suddenly you see St. Peter at the pearly gates.

no, its impulsive. binary. cross, or dont. 1 or 0. hit, or miss. and your foot responds. but in a different way. can and cannot.or can. or cannot. 1 and -1.or 1, or -1. if only we could understand more of the human body.

observation 2:

genuine jockey?

you see a person jockeying, because the current queue is too long. the other one is short. what do you do? think? hardly. lets weigh the possibilities. the other line is short, so the only criteria is service time. say the people on the shorter queue are chatty-they start talking about their wedding plans to an equally avid listener on the other side of the counter...

what if it is not? what if they live by the value code and finish on time? the worst part, what if they finish early? arent you stranded on this queue for a much longer time than the person who just happily got served and is leaving home early to watch india kill pakistan in the final one day?

again, 1 and 0. i should probably read on involuntary actions.

(*i am sure you are aware, that jockey is, not the next best thing to being naked, but in this case, switching queues. it makes the modeling of stochastic systems even more complex, apparently.)

observation 3:

the bus conundrum

ever been on a bus ride to nowhere even though you had an idea that you should not have gotten on the bus? i lose myself very easily. because, i always take the wrong bus. every time i feel like asking the driver/conductor, i am afraid that he would snap-as much civility we expect from civil servants, they are not readily dispensed with. just at the cusp of getting in, i become aware. ok, i am definitely going to arumbakkam instead of kodambakkam today. impulse. zero this time; maybe one next time! 

how I got kicked, got maniacal and landed hard on my butt...

let's start with why recession happened. pre fannie and freddie days, no worries, all is good on the western front.

and then, i got into my final year.

i started working on my project, and the economy crashed like the world trade centre, the babri masjid, the dunlop factory in ambattur.(but wait, the place is alive. with cobwebs, snakes, stray dogs and the occasional share holder who wants to buy the stink).

we have to go back to my project first. my friend had abandoned me, the fellow who was supposed to work with me on this project, for something so petty-he ended up with an internship in paris,(yes, gay paree, the hot chicks, nude buffs, champagne, and jean reno;hell they have a kiss named after their country). and i had to endure my head of department's taunts all alone. i had to explain, why figure had a small f in one place, a capital f in other; why the page number looked slightly offset from the centre. after discussing all these serious issues, i somehow managed to submit a thesis, which in retrospect is a big pile of rubbish.(as every self-respecting engineering student knows)

The time when you usually start applying to the universities is much before all this. recommendations(butt cheek kissing, both sides- of the professors and those pompous seniors who pretend to be supremely busy with nothing), statements of purpose(i had a purpose, but now that i am here, i am left purposeless, must find one soon), and the exams. I have dreams, i told everyone. i have dreams these days too, but of topless dancers going up and down the pole, wanting something. Me. and that's when i realised that these dreams are as vain as the previous ones...

coming back to the united states capital a america, the polls are held, everybody votes, obama asks everybody to start spending their (***) off, and says everything's ok, under control. he mildly asks people from other countries to pack their bags and not make a noise on their way out.

now,i land in america.
 research funding drops, there is no money in the automotive sector, oil prices fall, real estate crashes, dow jones is not seeing anything positive, the world gets to know a soulless leach named madoff and many like him,  and its cold as hell just froze over because its 14 freaking degrees below zero.

my parents and all those i know were telling me that things would get better. and they got worse. unprecedented rates of unemployment, screamed the wall street journal. so much for optimism.

till this day, my parents and my sister believe that things are getting better. and it will always be getting better even if i start cleaning gutters and wash dog poop off the streets; to them, i am always a source of hope and pride. they will make sacrifices in the process of making me a better man.

the camaraderie i shared with my friends, who took me out for vacations, who shared the occasional weekend meal with me, and who cracked  jokes about the next hot girl/aunt on the street, and talked about love and life and philosophy.

my books, cheering me up with stories of people falling and falling hard, and some moments of happiness; sadistic you say? no, it is the rule of life, and not just schadenfreude.

my blogs, making my friends shudder in disgust as to the number of times i have to whine, and how i badly need to get a life.

this is how you tide over a crisis in your life. surround yourself with life, or you might end up being a plastic bag. and all that is left of you would then be a mummy, fit to be wrapped and entombed. for all the misery in the world, those few moments of happiness are a great balance. they more than balance the equation, in that they instill something in you that would be good to tide over another wave of despair.

Before i could even think properly, the year is gone,  but i did add a lot of new things,loosely called memories-strangely, they would come and haunt me when i am down, and cheer me up, like a mirage which is like a temporary stimulant that makes your heart skip a beat as you walk down the path of the times when life was so simple. simple, as in the time you spent unnecessary money on a super cool watch, when you pestered your parents for the 8-bit video game with mario and islander because your friend was moving up the levels and you needed practice, when exam results meant squat, when the next game of cricket was at 1 in the afternoon in the month of april in madras, when the electricity went out and shouts of abuse chorused through the hall like a symphony, the long meaningless talks with your friends that led to more meaninglessness ,the hostel playground and the times you spent with your friends are all that you remember of your undergrad life.

cheers everyone.

have you seen madras when it rains? 

what is it with rains and us?
when it rains, i take a chair from inside our house, and place it outside underneath the sun shade that is at best, a shade against 1/100th of the sun's intensity. when it rains, it does nothing to protect you from the rains, allowing you to get moistened by the beautiful rain drops, and soaking the parts of the chair which is not occupied, only to seep into your body through what you are wearing. i love this feeling, as much as it irritates-nothing can be more pleasant than a rain in madras. why? because the people toil under the heavy gaze of sun almost all throughout the year, that the complaints about improper roads and the water-flooded drains during rains is a very comfortable pretext to hide their inner childish happiness. after the rains, i see those rain drops on the electric cables, and the wooden poles in some places gaining weight that they had lost to the sun, the roads as full with water as a pregnant women's belly is big(nera maasa garbini!) as she is almost about to deliver, my terrace slab, dripping water onto the floor, into our house, like a stream collecting dust and sand and everything on its way, not wanting to let them behind  to wherever it is going. there is water inside the traffic signal shelters of traffic constables, on the ceiling of our house, on the leaves of the trees on the roadside, on the light posts, on the onyx garbage bins, on the gopuram of temples trickling down to the bottom, on the corporation ground, on the park benches, on the hoardings, everywhere! such a sight, that we fail to see, to understand that it is important to appreciate the little things in life-only these things really matter.

once the rain stops, it is moist everywhere. the temperature is down, and it is as if a scorching earth drank a full bottle of water after a really long time, and is longing for more, not just because she is thirsty, but because she relishes the taste and does not want to let go of that taste that lingers on her tongue.The people huddled together in local shops, or outside the tea kadai, or under the bus stand with their rooftops leaking, dripping water onto the people occasionally(always?!), the bikes that waddle through the water pool on the road to see all this, an amazing sight of human endurance, and equally enchanting.

i for one, never complained about rains. those are the best times. come october, i would wake up everyday morning to smell that rain breeze, that is probably the closest thing to bliss(bliss,as i mentioned in one of my earlier posts, is my amma's chakkara pongal). when my mother would come to wake me up, i would notice something different. the smell of rain! i would recall that line from the English literature reader (tenth standard,i think), "the  intoxicating smell of wet earth" that would make the day for me! and if you want to see god, just sip coffee watching the wide gray expanse pouring down on the people of the city!

in the nights, when it would start to drizzle, you would see the street vendors hurriedly pulling tarpaulin sheets over their thallu vandi, and the pedestrian moving at a gradually increasing pace that would increase with the intensity of rain. the cars would start the wipers hoping that there would be more rains, equally frustrated, equally exhilarated. but wait, what about the kids who badly wanted to play that cricket match that they had planned for days together? what about the eager employee waiting for a bus on the water clogged streets to take him to his office? what about the street side digging of the telephone companies and the chennai corporation workers, which is now no more a pit than a well? a break! that is what they all get! a break from the rigour of sweating and toiling and playing in more than 35 C temperatures for months together!

much better, the railway tracks! they gleam like platinum and the oily patches form a unstable pact with their water counterparts to not disturb each other, as the water floats on top the oil patch, making it look like mercury! the train compartments and the buses-the window seats(my favorite!) are completely wet, there is a big puddle, and you would have no other choice! have you noticed the electric rails on top of the tracks suspended on rectangular structures over regular intervals? they would be dripping wet, and the trains with their pantograph(the antenna like things on the trains, that conduct electricity?) would hit those drops of water, and the drops would understand and fly away, understanding the hurry the train is in to get to madras, to see how beautiful she had become since it had rained! the garbage on the roads would be a mix of organic paste and water, flowing down the roads, and like a slimy trail would lead on to a bigger puddle, to settle down finally!

every one talks about rain. be it good or bad, they talk about it, because it is not normal! it is a strange phenomenon, that can throw life out of gear, still create happiness in people. when i was really young, i would wish that it would rain for days together heavily, so that the schools would close for a long time. my dream did not materialize, i hope some one else's does!

right when i thought of writing the blog about rains, the first thing that came into my mind was the train ride from madras to arakkonam with my cousin brother amidst heavy rains. and from there, we had to take a bus to sholinghur, when it rained even more heavily! we were completely soaked when we got to my periamma's place.

my amma told me, the day before i was born, it rained very heavily. maybe i got out the next day because of the whiff i had caught the day before, it must have been strong enough to reach me!

i completely agree with shashi tharoor-no matter where you go(away from india), there is a inexplicable pull that the mother india exerts, that she just wont let you go!

take care of my madras for me...

p.s:

1. we are not talking of floods, i would cautiously like to steer clear of some of the disastrous scenarios.

2. when i say i loved rains, i am not talking of rains that destroy crops in the rice growing hinterland of thanjavur or ramnad district. i feel sorry for the millions who depend on rains, but when it does come, it causes them damage for some sin not of their own. a collective one, maybe.

3. kindly discount the possibility of the outrageous spreading of pandemic due to water borne infestations, due to which a number of people suffer.

The big giant elephant's renaissance?

"there are foundation stones for a hospital at three different places, by three differernt political parties before three different elections..."-arvind adiga, the white tiger

"india is no more a country than the equator is..."-winston churchill

the number of times people tirelessly talk about cleaning this country(india), when it is implicit that it is herculean, worse, it could be sisyphean. i will explain this clever phrase. sisyphus was given the task of rolling a stone up a steep hill, and the gods made sure that every time the stone reached the top, it would roll back down. vicious, isnt it? to think the gods did it!

to observe morality is to attain mastery over our minds and passions. so doing, we know ourselves. if that definition be correct, then india as so many writers have shown, has nothing to learn from anybody else.-(hind swaraj- m k gandhi)

it costs us a lot to keep gandhiji in poverty-sarojini naidu

there are always theories that our democracy is but a flawed experiment, with high moral grounds but flimsy real life schemes. and there is the back to socialism cult followers, anti-american, anti-globalist, anti-rich, and anti-up yours. and there are the corporate megalomaniacs, completely soaked in money and greed, trying to suck up more and more energy out of more and more people, increasing the miseries more and more, and taking this cycle to its next ugly level, more and more...

i am reminded of the pure form of river ganga, when i am reminded of india. the ganga of premchand's protagonist, who goes to a foreign nation, but on coming back, he witnesses all the pitfalls of the country, but finds solace in the river. is that plausible? the river is dirty as a b-grade movie, and he finds comfort? misunderstood point: he comes back to values, his roots, a place where he can be himself, and can walk with his head high among his own. but does he not find discrimination? yes, because he is a part of it! if you are the cancer, how can you diagnose right?

but what do many people do? shout and scream for india! the lines between patriotism and jingoism is very thin-as is the difference between madness and sanity; mathematics and understanding; love and obsession; poetry and poverty(!). the reason why people get attached to a nation is because they are strongly anchored to it by a form of identification-that they belong to something. when it is taken away, what are we then? 

"Muslims said the Hindus had planned and started the killing. According to the Hindus, the Muslims were to blame. The fact is, both sides killed. Both shot and stabbed and speared and clubbed. Both tortured. Both raped”-khushwant singh, train to pakistan

i am not sure if there is any other country in this planet that can claim diversity in such grandiose scale. not even america! we can be good hosts, but there are some stray incidents. the mughals, were the most understanding of plurality until aurangazeb, the hindus were proud of their ever-evolving religion until hindutva(savarkar?), the english were good and able administrators until general dyer...i am always torn by grief and anger when i read about partition stories. khushwant singh's "train to pakistan" is an excellent book on fiction in this regard.

 

i was agreeably impressed with pakistan's moderation in blasting only six, the smallest whole number greater than  five-amartya sen.

india' nuclear arsenal is growing, or i should say, our nuclear plant building capacity is growing. is it good? in my opinion, given that the monsoons fail frequently, it would be a great alternative source of power which would help the farmer focus more on dry-land farming and drip irrigation instead of having to worry about his electricity bills. subsidising electricity when it is surplus is a good idea towards realising food security and preventing malnourishment, but the implementation of such a policy has inherent drawbacks-farmers can misuse it, the usual redtapism associated with a project from the bureacracy. if only the latter would vanish!

what good can come out of writing stupid blogs and discussions on forums? what is the reason for public discussion? ah,now we come to the beauty of arguments. how india has always encouraged this tradition to grow and thrive! how we understand the various view points and sum them up to do something worthwhile!

i only wish india would do well to to the poorest of the poor, those in dire need of food-instead of stocking up food grains irrationally for a buffer, it would make sense to create a system to help the people by distributing them.(again, not socialism, merely empathy.)

i would like to modify gandhiji's talisman:

when you want to know what the poorest indian lives like(the closest to it), stop eating for two days, and scamper around for food with some spare change in the pocket on the third day. and that will melt all the ralph lauren designs in the heart...

lets hope that india alleviates(atleast tries to!) the miseries of the poor and the incapacitated.

The denouement!

"indian students can not only hold their own against their european rivals europe on  the latter's ground, but can beat them hollow..."-jamsetji tata

Jai hind! 

10 rules for a happy life

1. wake up with a smile. its impossible, becase getting up is the real big problem of the day. if you dont do that, there is no day as such, is there?

2. be clean. you never know when you would have to be in close contact with people. and frankly, some people dont like your sweat sweetened armpit scent.

3. look good, but look simple. we are not going to hit the beauty pageant, but we are not going to be ascetics, wandering in loin  cloth. or worse.

4. be concerned about others. but that's it, stop it right there. dont go out of the way to do things for others. you have a life you know.

5. be early, wherever you go. as much as as people hate coming in early, it has been deemed a virtue; do it for a few days, and you just might get used to it.

6. be polite. not in your mind though. you can scream abuse at the next person sitting and spitting on the road, but in your mind. as if we all have the guts...

7. act positive. i only say, act. there is a difference between 'be' and 'act'. and the best part is, nobody knows you are being, or acting...

8. pretend to listen carefully and compassionately. so what if your cat is dead, i have my problems is not the way to go.

9. eat healthy, and eat lean. we all love ice creams. there was once a time when america loved iraq and bush loved osama. we know what happened.

10. face your fear. stand up, be bold and screw up the presentation. let people laugh, and let them talk behind your back, let them think you are a complete loser, but dont laugh, dont talk behind other people's back, and dont be afraid of failure. it only means you are progressing the right way!

Swami Vivekananda

a race of dotards, you lose your caste if you come out! sitting down with an ever-increasing load of crystallized superstition...and what are you doing now? promenading the sea shores with books in your hands, repeating undigested stray bits of european brainwork, and the whole soul nbent upon gettin a thrity rupee clerkship...is there water enough in the sea to drown you, books, gowns, diplomas and all?

'life is nothing, death is nothing, hunger nothing, cold nothing...march ahead'

All the religions lead to him, and to him alone, says the swami. he also quotes something interesting-'if a bhangi(shudra) were to walk into a temple, he would be denied rights. but if he were to wear a sacred thread and a rich dhoti, who would deny him a seat or a handshake?'

while all people think these days are about differences, here was a man, in the nineteenth century, talking about embracing plurality and all the other faiths, asking people to believe not in faiths, but in people themselves. people are to be judged on the basis of qualities, not their birth rights and priveleges. As much as many people would agree, there is still a vast difference between agreement and practice.

come, be men! see how nations are on the march. let us struggle for higher and better things! look not back, not even if you see the dearest cry!

inspiration for all the generations to come, some of his speeches are bound with undecipherable strength and support, which can spur us to something when we are dismally down and looking for support. personally, subramanya bharati and swami vivekananda are the two brightest gems that the younger generation of the country should listen to, for inspiration.

a very intriguing question posed by the saint in one of his letters to his guru: 'if everything in this life be as per karma, what is the point of worshipping durga?'

i would like to venture a guess: to lessen the suffering, to see the emptiness of the cycle, and to live life in peace, at peace with ourselves. He was always interested in truly inspiring other people, a quality which is rarely observed in leaders these days. His philosophy to march ahead, and to not look behind, to think of the future, of the people, of service are indeed qualities of a great spiritual leader, but he shies away from calling himself a leader, but refers to himself as an humble servant of god.

starvation, cold, hooting in the streets on account of my quaint dress, these are what i have to fight against. but no great thing is achieved without great labour...

when the swami was in america for the conference, he had to put up with so many things, and one among them was the jeering catcalls from the onlookers because of his attire. and thus the swami reacts...

In all his letters, he refers to his despondency in not being able to let go of the worldly desires and how his love for his brother, his mother or for his guru is something that should be cast away...At the very end, he will be a man not remembered for his failures, but for his charm and imposing speeches, that would take the collective breath of the millions who would understand...

கல்லா பிழையும் கருதா பிழையும் கசிந்துருகி

நில்லா பிழையும் நினையாப் பிழையும், நினன்ஜெழுத்தை

சொல்லா பிழையும் தொழா பிழையும் துதியாப் பிழையும்

எல்லாப் பிழையும் பொறுத்தருள்வாய் இறைவா கச்சி ஏகம்பனே...

i am surprised when people give themselves an identity, by religion or by color or by race. when someone is a brahmin, a person who learns scriptures, a person who is revered in the community because of his knowledge, and his rhetorical skills, and the gift of the gab, the scholar; a kshatriya, a warrior, who is every bit as good as his counterpart, only much better, and is not the least hesitant to give up his life for the good of others, the sacrifice; the vaishya, the clever merchant, also the person who is responsible for making everyone responsible for their finances, the business man; the shudra, who cleans up for the good of the society, who is ultimately the one responsible for the demise of epidemic and plagues, who is the pre-emptive action against ill-health, the caretaker;

only when a person is competent enough to take up each of these tasks during various stages of his life does he understand the point of his life;

that being a brahmin is not in criticizing every other action but in helping others understand and gain knowledge;

that being a kshatriya is not in mindless blood-letting and vindictiveness but fighting for a just cause;

that being vaishya is not in being a cunning money monger, but in helping others financially to live a decent life ;

that being a shudra in not being complaining about the inferiority of the task, but in understanding that nothing is infra dignity and everyone has to do so called infra dig things at times.

when there is a will, there is always a way, to break it. when there is a fall, there is a always a climb that is agony. when there is loneliness, there is always company that is painful. when there is loss, there is always hope that is fleeting and evanescent. when all is lost, there is this will, hope and pain that makes us go through the whole spiral of life, only that, it gets better than better, and worse than worse. what do we make of the life spiral? does it try to tell us that it is simply impossible to lead a life that might make us happy all the time? or is it that suffering is a journey that we must undertake to understand the ultimate point of living? or is that life is always aimless and random, misfit, and imroperly tailored to suit anyone's requirement? or is it that we just complain till the very end about how this life is taking us nowhere to wherever it was supposed to take us? or that i should shut up and stop writing and stop thinking altogether for the good of the people around?

MoM:(moments of madras)

it is scorching in madras, i am told, but also, there are light showers at times.(ok, there was just the one time) my congratulations to barath for successfully getting married; also, i am really happy(oh yeah) for the friends who turned up for the wedding, and who had a wonderful(?) time together. i am sure these things would last for a while from now on, and i hope i would be able to make it to some of these, and definitely not miss mine, or that would be catastrophe.

the best part, prabu deva marries nayantara. and that is how the gods play dice.